Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.