I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I cannot stop laughing at this
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.