@LaziestCanine

Cashier: find everything okay?
Me: yes
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012

@LaziestCanine

Wife: we need to improve our home
Me: agreed
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously

@LaziestCanine

*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*

@LaziestCanine

[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: okay
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you

@LaziestCanine

Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you

Me: yes, he was not very friendly

@LaziestCanine

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”

HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME

@LaziestCanine

[on intercom]

Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear

@LaziestCanine

Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous