My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
also my go-to takeaway order
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.