Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
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I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Always
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not