The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*