I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
the last thing a carrot sees
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣