It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave