They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.