*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
The French cow says MEUX…
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
it’s the silliest best thing
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Oh. My. God.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter