@Leemanish

Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.

@Leemanish

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

@Leemanish

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

@Leemanish

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

@Leemanish

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

@Leemanish

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

@Leemanish

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

@Leemanish

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

@Leemanish

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

@Leemanish

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!