Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Take care of yourself, ladies
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.