Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.