Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
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Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.