On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
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my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?