Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
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ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.