my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
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A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Who says great literature is dead?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing