Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
It’s an epidemic…
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.