Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
this is funnier than any friends episode
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Yes
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills