*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I cannot call her anything else now
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.