Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Lhlodder's best tweets

@Lhlodder : A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits. Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go! So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!” We all winked at each other and got in our cars. Teamwork.

@Lhlodder: Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

@Lhlodder: 1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

@Lhlodder: Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

@Lhlodder: I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

@Lhlodder: My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

@Lhlodder: Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

@Lhlodder: Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

@Lhlodder: Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

@Lhlodder: My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.