Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago