Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
You Might Also Like
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
tell em, edith-anne
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack