Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.