Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
You Might Also Like
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.