Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
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I wish this was real life…
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Peace was never an option
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.