@LindaInDisguise: Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I'm never staying here again.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
@LindaInDisguise: I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can't even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
@LindaInDisguise: Done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
@LindaInDisguise: *calls male escort service*
Whispers "How much for... you know... someone to go to Red Lobster with me."
@LindaInDisguise: I just referred to tongs as 'food tweezers' in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
@LindaInDisguise: The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.