@LindaInDisguise

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

@LindaInDisguise

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

@LindaInDisguise

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

@LindaInDisguise

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

@LindaInDisguise

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

@LindaInDisguise

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

@LindaInDisguise

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.