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@LindaInDisguise : I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
@LindaInDisguise: Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That's why I do it at work.
@LindaInDisguise: Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I'm never staying here again.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
@LindaInDisguise: My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."
@LindaInDisguise: I took a "Which Disney princess are you?" quiz and I got Jafar.
@LindaInDisguise: I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can't even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
@LindaInDisguise: Done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
@LindaInDisguise: *calls male escort service*
Whispers "How much for... you know... someone to go to Red Lobster with me."
@LindaInDisguise: I just referred to tongs as 'food tweezers' in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.