If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.