ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
This one’s “Alex”.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”