In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.