My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.