*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.