I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.