Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.

Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-

Me: *smiling* Absolutely not

Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.

Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.


Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.


Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.


Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.


I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.


I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.


My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.


Him: How many exes do you have?

Me: Dead or alive?

Him: Wait, how many are dead?

Me: Just the bad half.

Him: What?!

Me: Half. Just half.


The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can’t really remember what it’s like to not have kids.