@LittleMissAngr1

Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.

Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-

Me: *smiling* Absolutely not

Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.

Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.

@LittleMissAngr1

Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.

Them:

Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.

@LittleMissAngr1

I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.

@LittleMissAngr1

I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.

@LittleMissAngr1

Him: How many exes do you have?

Me: Dead or alive?

Him: Wait, how many are dead?

Me: Just the bad half.

Him: What?!

Me: Half. Just half.

@LittleMissAngr1

The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can’t really remember what it’s like to not have kids.