Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@LittleMissAngr1 : I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I'm not ready to order my own murder.
@LittleMissAngr1: 13 hung up on me, and 9 called me "Nagatha Christie". It is wine o'clock.
@LittleMissAngr1: I spent an hour trying to interpret the meaning of the new art installation at the park, only to find out it is just a lamppost that got knocked down.
@LittleMissAngr1: I don't complain when my neighbours have loud sex. I heckle.
@LittleMissAngr1: The key to breaking bones is to make sure they are someone else's.
@LittleMissAngr1: Elevator rides become way more exciting if you announce to everyone that only one person is getting out alive.
@LittleMissAngr1: Just overheard my daughter's friend say "when your mom tries to be cool..." I didn't hear the rest, but it was probably "...she succeeds".
@LittleMissAngr1: If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they'll stop inviting you to their kid's birthday parties.
@LittleMissAngr1: It's been quite a week. My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him this morning, but I set him down outside and now I can't be sure which one is Simon.
@LittleMissAngr1: So stoned, I had to get back in the shower because I shaved one leg twice.