I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
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“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.