I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
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One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I want what they have
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.