me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
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Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.