Funny Tweeter

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Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they're the reason you can't leave bags unattended.

@LizHackett: My husband's coming home from a work trip, so I'm putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn't eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

@LizHackett: Eating Triscuits always feels like I'm chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

@LizHackett: I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: "If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he'll find his way back."

@LizHackett: BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn't Running A Hotel For Bees

@LizHackett: Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you're a detective on a stakeout.

@LizHackett: People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

@LizHackett: It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words "We need to leave in ten minutes."

@LizHackett: A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn't want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

@LizHackett: Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.