6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
i choose….tongue
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better