Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
is it earth
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom