me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I think I’m having a stroke
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that