I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
You Might Also Like
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
WTF
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Before & after 😅
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium