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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
rapatouille
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.