@Loli_Sug

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

@Loli_Sug

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

@Loli_Sug

Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.

@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

@Loli_Sug

I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.

@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

@Loli_Sug

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

@Loli_Sug

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl