Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl