Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
The Others (2001)
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡