At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder