*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
You Might Also Like
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.