I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
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If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Note to self: always read the final line
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table