“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
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at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Thank you corporation very cool
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
This probably isn’t good
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me: