If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges