I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”