@LostCatDog: Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs...
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers...
@LostCatDog: I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
@LostCatDog: Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
@LostCatDog: Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
@LostCatDog: Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
@LostCatDog: Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
@LostCatDog: He's dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He's a shit piñata. He's gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
@LostCatDog: I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses "bae" all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny