Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of LostCatDog's best tweets

@LostCatDog : I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

@LostCatDog: Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs...
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers...
Me: ugh

@LostCatDog: Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

@LostCatDog: I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

@LostCatDog: Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

@LostCatDog: Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

@LostCatDog: Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

@LostCatDog: Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

@LostCatDog: He's dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He's a shit piñata. He's gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

@LostCatDog: I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses "bae" all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny