@LostCatDog

My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no

@LostCatDog

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

@LostCatDog

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

@LostCatDog

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

@LostCatDog

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

@LostCatDog

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

@LostCatDog

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

@LostCatDog

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

@LostCatDog

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes